I was in the ninth standard when I first thought I had found true love. And a couple of months later, it turned out as if I was enacting in a nickelodeons tv show. A lot of humor and emotions but no real meaning. Then I was in the eleventh standard when I again thought I had found true love. This time I was more confident. The society even validated my thinking, so you know, there were no doubts. However, six years later, it also went down to shit, somehow.
But with this shit, I learned a truth far more precarious than anything else I had ever seen or observed. The truth that exposes colossal mendacity served to us through every story or fable of love that we have ever come across.
Yeah, it sucks. Like really, really sucks.
If I round up every story or belief that professes love as a precise human emotion or feeling, or a particular state of affairs, or a behavioral expression, probably, I would have to round up every book or novel ever written on love.
However, none of these precepts correctly define love. Love is far simpler than any of the meanings ascribed to it by society. It, at no point, is convoluted or unfeasible. Love is not something that happens independently. It is consciously built over time.
People often infer love as an exceptional state of feeling that incipiencies gradually. As if the universe somehow sprinkles magical fairy dust that imbues the feeling of love, all over them. However, as we’ll see, that’s not the case.
Apparently, in this article, I have articulated the truth (the true meaning of love) in five sections, not because it’s hard to comprehend. But because we all have a knack for lying to ourselves. We all lie. Constantly. Not out of malice but out of fear of addressing a rankling truth.
And that’s the point of this article. Not to correct you or tell you where you are wrong, but to empower you to embrace the inevitable truth.
Ever wonder what is unique about love at first sight compared to all other forms of love? The answer is nothing. Except in the former, the intensity is at a much-enhanced level in the first meeting itself. Whereas, in other forms, the intensity snowballs slowly and gradually.
Now ponder the difference between what you’ll call love at first sight and a usual encounter with a beautiful girl or a handsome man at the mall or some other place. The only legitimate difference is that you only reminisce about sweet memories of the former, as the latter is usually quickly forgotten. Apart from such a distinction in reaction, the two are mostly the same thing with the same process.
I would argue that what you’ll call love, at first sight, is primarily only a meaningless, usual encounter with a stranger until you give it a second thought.
Love only begins as a thought in the mind. And it is when you choose to stick with the thoughts that the intensity builds, and love adopts a form and shape. When you spend some time with a person, in other words, create experiences, you develop a particular kind of attachment with him/her. You thoughtfully evaluate your experiences. Experiences create memories – another form of thought – which in turn triggers feelings and emotions.
That’s how love begins to take form. And not only love but hatred for someone also merely begins as a thought of the mind.
But Aashish, don’t we call such a feeling only an attraction? I mean, there is a difference between love and attraction. Isn’t it?
Well, not particularly. And this brings me to the next section.
The word love encompasses all forms of attractions, affections, and addictions, and thus is often misconceived and misplaced. When the intensity of your emotions is slightly less, you infer it as a mere attraction or affection. Whereas once the intensity snowballs and garners increasing momentum, you presume it as love.
Every story of love and romance is primarily only a particular form of affection between two people. It is when two people, who are attracted to each other, come together to live with each other that a relationship develops. In other words, attraction and admiration for each other are the foundation of every relationship. And the nexus of individual choices ultimately taken constitutes and defines the trueness of love.
The problem with our society and cultures is that they disarmingly emphasize attractions based on physical appearance. However, a sustainable form of love cannot be built based upon the body, the charming smile, the intimacy, or the sexy appeal.
True love occurs with thoughts. Or, in other words, any form of love will only be able to sustain itself when two people can hold reverence for each other in the highest esteem, irrespective of the situation.
In the real world, there is no such thing as happiness forever. Invariably, every relationship will face such times when two people won’t agree with each other or have distinct perspectives. During such times, physical attractions hold no value whatsoever.
It doesn’t matter if your partner is the most beautiful girl according to you or if she craps 24-carat gold nuggets; eventually, you two will come across a situation where one would have to sacrifice a part of self for the other. If you don’t appreciate and respect both yourself and your partner’s individuality, and one sacrifice doesn’t compel you to run away from that relationship, probably, a couple of dozen will.
Therefore, every romantic foundation laid only upon physical outlook, almost inevitably ends the same way – one person hurting the other. It is only reverence for each other’s thoughts and opinions, in other words, each other’s identity, that is not only healthy but necessary for a relationship to survive through thick and thin.
Eventually, as I once stated, “love is neither an emotion which can be felt nor a situation which can be evaded. It is a nexus of our choices. Continuous activity of our mind and soul together, which acts as an overture.”
Back in the 17th century, a Prussian German Philosopher, Immanuel Kant, suggested a self-righteous moral practice that I find extensively intriguing1. The idea goes something like this: “Act that you use humanity, whether in your own person, or in the person of any other, always at the same time as an end, and never merely as a means.”
Let’s suppose your girlfriend likes red Lilies and she has asked you to watch a Salman Khan movie with her. Well, you hate Salman Khan, so you get her a sorry-baby-please-still-have-sex-with-me bouquet of red Lillies. You don’t dare to be straightforward with her because, ultimately, whether you’ll get laid or not is contingent on her.
In this case, you are using red Lilies as a means to accomplish added means of dazzling your girlfriend. Impressing her, again, is only a means to a grander end desire of having sex.
Well, the point is that if you treat or use your partner only as a means to some other dignified end, then you probably don’t love her in the first place. It means all sacrifices and efforts that you make for the relationship are not done because you merely want to do them for love. It means that they are done to achieve and extract something in return.
Such business relationships can never succeed in the test of love. This is the reason that so many relationships fail in the first place. Because two people don’t come together merely to share their independent lives, but only in an attempt to fulfill their needs.
Therefore, Kant’s idea highlights a paramount behavioral trait to incorporate true love, not only in romantic relationships but in life in general.
Another largely denigrating delusion that people hold revolves around freedom in a relationship. Individual sacrifices are sometimes perceived as a hindrance to one’s freedom. And other times, they are regarded as necessary.
You must learn that the impression that you assume as love can be both healthy and scrupulously correct and also unhealthy and morally incorrect. True love doesn’t mean accepting shitty-shady values of your partner or disregarding self-respect. It is based upon independence and self-reliance, and not interdependence.
A relationship backed by healthy moral values will constantly evolve, mellow, and deepen. Whereas a relationship constituted by unhealthy moral values and emotional dependency will attract loads of drama, mood swings, guilt, tantrums, and frequent fights.
Love, therefore, can never be inherently true. The trueness of your love eventually depends upon the choices that you make and your reason for making those choices.
Inevitably, every individual in a relationship will find themselves at the crossroads where he or she would have to choose between themselves and their partner. And irrespective of your decision, you must always be straight and honest with both your partner and yourself regarding your reasons.
Moreover, love doesn’t mean freedom. Write the following line in bold and CAPS, and hang it on one of the walls in your room: “Neither self-love nor romantic love is inherently liberating. Both require discipline and devotion to avoid misleading pampering and fostering correct choices. And freedom can only be achieved through commitment.”
As we have established thus far that love isn’t a feeling. It is a nexus of our choices, and the emotional intensity, with which it is often misrecognized, is nothing but merely an amplified state of attraction and addiction.
Therefore, the trueness of love, invariably, depends upon your choices. It is contingent on how you approach your relationship and what your partner means to you. If he/she is just an emotional repairman to you, then you two would inevitably fall apart. However, if you have self-efficacy and are not scared of being alone, then you would observe your partner, not as an emotional wreck ball, but as a respectable individual.
Then comes the trust. You love and trust someone who understands the possibility of things falling apart. You love someone even though you might not be loved in return. Yet you do it anyway. You trust him/her, knowing well that you might get screwed or hurt. True love requires you to be vulnerable and unconditional. This unconditionality is essential for a healthy and loving relationship.
And to act unconditionally, you must believe that it’s the right thing to do. And only do it for the right reasons mentioned in section 3.
Once a relationship obtains a secure form of unconditionality, both individuals would respect each other and their value-narrated boundaries. When two self-dependent individuals are unconditionally honest with each other, they will develop a superior form of intimacy. Their relationship will be based upon compassion and not on one’s emotional needs.
A relationship is only meaningful if it’s backed by several little things rather than entirely on one fundamental purpose. It is about patiently listening to your partner when he/she is in doubt and supporting him/her unconditionally – because that’s true love baby.
Ultimately, as brilliantly put up by Mithila Palkar and Neel Adhikari, in Dice Media’s song for survival: nothing really matters except the little things.
Click to listen to this Article (Use Headphones) You probably would've heard about comfort zone…
It's almost been two months since the news headlines were flocked by the story of…
Sometimes I think of all the problems in this world and the plans I would…
While the bullshit Chinese Virus fucks every country and disposes us to spend no-body-really-knows-how-many-weeks at…
About two years ago, I met Isha (name changed), through a mutual friend, at a…
How many times have you wandered on the psychological path to ascertain the cryptic meaning…